To Be…Part One

(Photo: courtesy of me but I confess the flower was found in my neighbors yard).

Hmmm…it’s definitely a little late to be rambling on the internet.  But I have got to be honest today was a pretty lousy day.  It was a hard day, at the end of a hard week, that marked the end of a long summer. 

I have had a lot of time over these last weeks to reflect on some things.  I was honestly all set to attend graduate school this fall, but the reality was it was not the right semester to begin.  It wasn’t meant to be.

My plan was to get a masters degree in guidance counseling.  But now I am not so sure.  Is this really the best choice for me? What if I should still be looking at a masters in social work?  Or maybe I should go back to real estate? I have always envied the people who just “knew” what they wanted to do with their lives.  What God created them to be.  For me it’s never been that simple.  I love to dream, I love to create, I love being with people.  But if I go further than that I draw a blank.  I know right now I am to be a stay at home mom for our four children.  I know it’s an honor and a privilege to do this.  But truth be told there are days (like today) that I feel pretty drained.  Pretty darn lifeless.  The endless repetitive tasks start to drive me nuts!

But then today in blogosphere I read something about living creatively. That scripture even tells us to live creatively.  What does that mean?  I think it means finding what little things in life bring you joy.  The little things that make you come alive.  For me its what makes me JOY (sorry couldn’t help the pun).  I may not know what exactly God has planned for my future but if I try to find one small  bit of creative expression in each day than maybe, just maybe I will find out what I was designed to do.  It’s like reinventing joy each day.

Thus enters the photograph at the top.  Not too long ago while recovering from surgery I was walking around my yard feeling totally ashamed of what used to be my garden.  My perennials were slowly being choked out by weeds and the few annuals I put in this year were dying from lack of water in the heat of summer.  Then I looked over in my neighbors yard and saw his beautiful array of color.  I started to feel more frustrated and then I noticed this little bee sitting pollinating its flower.  It reminded me of a quote from Emerson I read a long time ago.  The exact wording has slipped through the holes in my brain.  The gist?  Sometimes we are the bee and sometimes we are the flower.  It’s all part of God’s plan.  One could not be beautiful without the other.  I grabbed my camera.  My perspective changed as my lens narrowed in on that little bee working so hard bouncing from flower to flower.  He designed each of us to do something.  It may not be glamorous, heck it may not even make us money (are you reading this Mike) but it makes us who we are.  It makes us feel alive.  As a mother I have to find this.  To do this for ourselves is not only thanks to God for using our God given talents, it teaches our children to find and develop their unique traits that make them come alive.

As I look back on this photo I still feel encouraged.  I may not know what my future holds in terms of career paths.  I may know that I face many more days at home with kids in the rain, cooped up, bouncing off the walls, and climbing the tables!  But if I just try to find one creative outlet in each day then I’ll feel sustained.  I’ll feel connected to my Creator, and become better acquainted with what it is he designed me to be.  It could not have possibly have been to be a crazy woman!

If you have stuck with me and read this post to its entirety you maybe in disagreement with me or think I am just babbling on.  But hey, that’s ok because writing is another way in which I feel I am using my creative expression.  =)